Chapter I

 I was always a sad kid. A lonely kid. I was never the lovable daughter though I did had what I thought it was a tight family at the time. In school it was hard to make friends, but with all my forces and habilities I made them or at least, seeing and knowing what I know today, at 30 years old, I tried. Just not to be alone, not to be left behind and in a corner alone with just myself, unable of communicating with anybody and being almost 365 days afraid of being judged or just alone with my feelings and insecurities. Being a kid is hard enough, being in a toxic family adds a new level of vulnerability. My parents never wanted me. They took care of me, I mean, I had food on the table, clothes and books, toys and a computer. But love was never there for me. Although I remember being punched and beaten, being silenced because everything I had to say was wrong, being compared to other classmates (I was a top grade student and still was compared, because all they saw was failure). My birthdays were and are the worst days in my life. They made them the worst days in my life on purpose. And I still remember that. It triggers me. I always said when I was young, I want to be 30 to be away from them... and I'm 30 and I just want to disappear.